Pain
1st November, 2015

Today i found out you don't have to be in a relationship to get your heart broken.


Imagine meeting someone, you and this person just click, you understand each other easily, no fronting, no games, no nothing, now keep in mind that you're just friends and nothing more, both of you ain't thinking towards that direction of dating (at least thats what you think) then over time you become best buds, besties, you both know everything about each other. As a guy having a female friend like this rare, i mean a girl you talk to everyday and don't feel you're day is complete if you guys haven't spoken or chatted, she's the person you call and tell everything, when you're upset or sad, you even tell her all the Ps you're running, give her details bout the other Ps and how it went down with them, she even knows more bout you than your guys.


This best bud you have doesn't even stay in the same state with you, you see each other like 3-4 times a year, but distance isn't a factor and you wish she stayed closer cos you know how much you guys would hang out.... 

When you 1st met her she had a bf and stayed far away maybe thats why your mind never went towards dating, the whole long distance thing was there too. She later on broke up with her bf and you were there as her friend, months later she met a new guy who was making her happy and you were sincerely happy that she found somone new to make her happy over there while you were back in your state being a man hoe. But unfortunately it didn't work out with the guy (he was a dick), but she wasn't bothered both it, she was a beautiful girl and had other things on her mind, your relationship got stronger slowly over time, then she met another guy again and she really liked this one but from what she told you about this guy, deep down you didn't want her to have anything to do with guy because you knew he wasn't good for her but u didn't say anything because you saw how happy she was that somone was showing her so much care, love and affection, not that you couldn't show her all those things, you couldn't just show her that kind of affection. While all this was going on, you started getting a feeling that you hadn't felt in almost forever, a feeling you thought you could only get when you're in a relationship, JEALOUSY, you were confused as to why, why would you have such a feeling towards a friend, you're just friends, good friends but still just friends. Thankfully it didn't work out with this other guy, like i said he wasn't good for her.

Weeks pass and no signs of the feeling again, but you start thinking of other things, you no longer have interests in other girls, old Ps now annoy you, all that's on your mind is her, but you keep telling yourself "Stop, you're just friends, don't ruin things with her when you're not sure of what you even want" You start thinking of all the cons of dating her 

1)if you tell her ur feelings and she doesn't respond the same way, you've effectively ruined the best relationship with one of the most important people in your life

2)If you actually date can you actually do long distance? Seeing someone 3-4 a year? 

3) Are u sure of what you're even feeling? Or are you  just being childish and greedy because you don't like the idea of her being close to someone else.

So you decided to bury all those mixed feeling and find new distractions = new Ps.


Months pass and its her bday, you travel to her state for her bday party, you both had fun, it was nice seeing her happy with all her friends and she hugs you and all you wanna do is hug her back and not let go, but you just hug her gently and smile. 


She's at a new job now, and she tells you how there's a new guy who's chasing her, and you laughed in your head because you assumed she had no interest in the guy and he was barking up the wrong tree, a week later she calls you and says she likes the guy, in that very moment you were overcome with so much fear you froze, but you hoped as usual it wouldn't work out. 

Since she met the guy, you don't talk or chat as much anymore, from talking everyday of the week to 3 times a week. 


Sigh....


Today she told me she's sorry we don't talk as much as before, but that she can't be answering my calls as often anymore because it would send the wrong signal to the guy and she doesn't wanna chase him away. 

In that moment I felt a knife go through my heart...


I have no idea what to do next... Speak out or slowly die inside. 

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Nigeria
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