Picked up my pen and paper to write, but nothing came out. Just sat, plain blank, but I knew there was something in there, a story to tell.
I finally decided to lighten up a bit by listening to slow jams, jams that penetrated ones soul, mind and inner thoughts. Like that was the remedy to my predicament. BAM! I found a story to tell, a story to write, a story to vent about.
Was the same story that got man into sin, same story that brought all our problems – LOVE.
Mine actually started 5 years ago back in high school, fell in love with one girl during my finals. Every love story has a beginning at least most do, mine doesn’t, and everything started just like it never began. We texted, called a whole lot. That became my assignment, with time we got connected than ever.
Never knew love felt that heavy, I thought about Adam and what he did for love. Don’t know if I would have done the same.
Knowing that we both had barriers, we had issue in making our relationship open, i got issues making it stronger. That barrier was stronger than the defense of a royal castle. Living in the 21st century we were bounded by laws, rules and traditions.
She was Christian and I Muslim, and the families being not just the normal Christian or Muslims, those that are rooted deep into what they believed. Knowing the repercussions of my adventure, I decided to melo down and explain the risk of our love, and she said she was in for it. Well the worst was death.
I loved her too much to accept such. Besides “there are guys everywhere” I thought, “who would make her feel safe and happy…why should I bring this the one I love?”
After a while, our troubles graduated. Because our parents later found out about us, and the talks of torments became reality.
Over time, she was tortured by her parents physically, and myself, orally. I also got mine from religious leaders and my parents of course. The one that actually brought the world down on me was, when her parents told her about disowning her if she continued and my parents threatening her life.
I guess that was too much for love, especially the one whom I really, truly loved. Both parents were serious about their treats.
One evening I sat down alone and thought “is this love worth this pain?” well yeah, “what about the death…would I actually want to live my life knowing the one I love is dead?”
Right then I made up my mind to end the relationship, believing it was for the best of both of us. I didn’t have the balls to tell her face to face, so I texted her telling her a whole lot about what I felt. She didn’t want to understand from my view. But told me how much I meant to her and what she felt about me as well.
In tears, I had to close my heart as it were, and tell her “it’s over…” and asked her to move on with her life forgetting about me and that I’ll do the same. Thinking it was going to be that easy.
*Sighs* it’s been 5 years already, all I get is the guilt, still lonely, can’t open my heart since I locked it, and never looked at another girl like I did to her. All I do is torment myself, looking at pictures of her.
I didn’t give her clear reasons for the break up and that made her angry leading to her refusal to replying my messages creating a gap between us over the years.
I knew what I did for love, allowing her stay happy and myself being lonely. Only hoping the future knows best and that my so called right one comes around.
I guess for now, loneliness rules.