How to Be the Perfect Gentleman
20th May, 2016

Pick a girl –any random girl– but preferably, one with the physical attributes that tingles your inner sexist cravings. Make sure she is ugly in her own uniqueness: a horrible scar; terrible dentition; Funke Akindele’s Jenifa-like vocabulary and enunciations; a deep-seated despise for your mother whom she is yet to meet; an unsettling disbelief in the tenets of your religion, etc. whatever tickles you fancy. But, be certain that she is the true definition of ugliness encapsulated into the perfect bodily form that your eyes cannot resist.

 

Take her on a date –an expensive date. While she drinks water, you buy the most expensive wine and sip with the finesse of a monarch. When it’s time to eat, order all you can eat and request for more take-away package for your bros at home. Watch as she orders something to eat, and when she’s done; tell how of how you think the food would make her fat and ugly. Discourage her from eating the meal, instead, take it for yourself.

 

Talk to her while eating with your mouth full. Reach across the table and try to kiss her playfully. Tell her stories –wonderful tales of your exes and how you both got along so well. Try to make her smile, tickle her with your soiled food fingers; touch her sensually on her face and quickly apologize for getting the food grease on her make-up heavy face. Don’t be lazy, do something to help smooth it out. Preferably get a napkin, spit into it and scrub hard at her face. When you’re done, she should look prettier than she was before.

 

After dinner, tell her you love her then ask for her to foot the bill. Get a means of transportation and allow her graciously foot that bill as well. Ensure she is very comfortable on the ride back home. If it’s a bus, let her lap you; if it’s a cab, ask for space so you can take a nap; if it’s her car, ride in the owner’s corner and yell instructions at her, citing her terrible driving skill; if it’s your car –no– never, ever take your car to the date.

 

Call one of your favorite exes on the phone and laugh at her unfunny jokes. Laugh loudly, hit her as you laugh and wipe the tears off your eyes.  When she later ask what was so funny that cracked you up, pick offense and make sure it lasts until you arrive at your place. She will try to apologize; ignore her. She would want to ask for another date; pretend like you would rather not, but secretly hope she persists. At the last minute tell her you would think about it and get back to her.

 

Do not invite her in. ignore the cues she throws your way to ensure that you do. Do not kiss her on the cheeks. Be courteous, blow her a kiss instead and shut the door behind you as you say goodbye. 

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Lagos, Nigeria
  • A satirical piece

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